One time, I was called into HR for having made someone uncomfortable. 

As someone who tries to hold myself accountable, I was concerned and listened to the tale, worried that I had inadvertently put myself first to the detriment of someone else. However, once I heard the story, I realized that actually, what I had done was offer a perspective about making our culture more inclusive that the person wasn’t ready to hear. 

After reflecting further, I came to the conclusion that there are two types of discomfort. 

Gross discomfort happens when someone pressures another to do something that harms or ignores the needs of the other in order to benefit themselves.  

Growth discomfort happens when someone pressures another to consider how some behaviors, most likely cultural norms, harm or exclude marginalized people. 

While both might feel uncomfortable, the second is uncomfortable because it requires you to reconsider how actions that are normalized within this culture negatively affect others- probably including things you yourself have done.  This can be hard to hear! 

In a culture where we have been taught that discomfort is to be avoided, learning to be able to sit in discomfort is new and confusing.  But I think it is an important distinction to understand that there are different types of discomfort.  It is important that we learn to recognize and call people out for gross discomfort.  It is similarly important that we learn to recognize and sit with ourselves and learn when we experience growth discomfort.   

At first, the feeling inside seems very similar for both cases.  But, if we take the time to reflect, it becomes easier and easier to tell them apart.   

I like to learn lessons from plants, and here there is an analogy for balanced, diverse ecosystems.  If an aggressive plant is taking over and shading out other plants, it is better for the ecosystem or garden if we cut it back to allow space for others to grow.  If you are the aggressive plant, this might feel painful, to lose parts of yourself!  But, for the plants struggling to grow beneath, this is a welcome release.  Funny enough, in this case, ‘growth’ for the ecosystem looks like loss for the aggressive plant. In the long run, though, the plant is better off. In the future, when a different aggressive species shades out that plant, it will benefit from a culture where aggressiveness is pruned back.  Diverse ecosystems with more species are also more resilient to threats, which helps all the species within. 

I invite you to learn to recognize these two types of discomfort, growth and gross, as a useful skill to develop a culture of growth and curiosity.  The next time you feel uncomfortable because of something someone said, ask yourself: 

Am I uncomfortable because I am being pressured to ignore my needs to benefit others? (Am I a plant struggling to survive in the shade of others?) 

Or because I am being called out for a way I might be ignoring others needs? (Am I thriving plant shading out others?) 

Sometimes, you might be one, and other times, the other.